


You Should Have Told Me.

by thesameoldfairytale



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, M/M, One Shot, i love writing angst and misunderstandings, no evil Humdrum, no evil Mage, set some time during their last semester at Watford
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 22:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9681368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesameoldfairytale/pseuds/thesameoldfairytale
Summary: Basically Simon and Baz are both idiots who are too afraid to come clean about how they feel. Slightly angsty stuff but happy ending.I didn't really think this through before I started writing, so anything that happens in the book doesn't really apply here. Only thing that's still the same is that Simon and Penny are best friends, and Baz and Simon share a room at Watford (and they still hate each other).





	

The sun is slowly setting when Baz sits down on the windowsill in his room, enjoying the cool breeze that’s currently replacing the dreaded heat from the day. He has one leg propped up in front of him, his arms around it and his chin resting on it. His eyes follow some kids down below the window, perhaps third years but it’s hard to tell. They were too far away for him to be sure. The kids were laughing carelessly, something Baz hasn’t done in a long time.

It had mostly been another boring day at Watford, same old, same old. At lunch he had been listening to Niall and Dev arguing about who was the smarter one out of the two of them (neither of them was particularly smart… at least not to Baz’s own standard) and other than that, there was only one, let’s say, occurrence that still makes the insides of his stomach curl.

Just after lunch Baz ran into Penny. He always tries to avoid her as best as he can but she seems to have a way to always find him. Baz thought about that a lot lately. Does she know even more secret passage ways and catacombs than he does? It wasn’t likely but the thought had crossed Baz’s mind on multiple occasions. He knew Watford inside and out. It was impossible that Penny would know more than he did but then again, if Baz had learned anything during his time at Watford, it was that nothing was quite as impossible as it seemed.

When Baz saw Penny running towards him he quickly scanned the area around her to see if Snow was somewhere around. Tuesday was the only day that him and Simon didn’t have any classes together but wherever Penny was, Snow wasn’t far. Much to his relief Baz couldn’t spot him anyway. He visibly relaxed just before Penny stopped only a few inches away from him.

“We need to talk,” she said without any further introduction.

She grabbed his coat by the sleeve and dragged him into the next empty classroom. Baz was so surprised and perplexed that he didn’t even question what she was doing.

He straightened his coat as soon as she let go of him. Feeling Penny’s eyes staring at him without actually seeing them, Baz looked up at her puzzled.

“What is it, Bunce?”

All of a sudden Penny seemed nervous which was very unusual and set Baz’s alarm bells off. She was fumbling with the edges of her shirt, avoiding him. It was Baz who stared at her impatiently.

“Bunce, seriously, what is it?”

Penny eventually lifted her head. There was uncertainty in her eyes, maybe fear, Baz couldn’t quite tell. They weren’t really that close.

“He knows,” she eventually whispered, barely loud enough for Baz to hear.

But he did hear and he knew exactly what and who she was talking about. He thought he should be angry but he didn’t feel anger. All he felt was a mix of relief and anxiety.

Baz took a step toward her. Since he was so much taller than Penny, he was practically hovering over her. To an outsider, it may have looked like he was threating her but, despite his reputation, Baz would never hurt Penny. No one knew that they were friends, or acquaintances, or even talking to each other.

Words seemed to fail him, even though he wanted to say so many things to Penny but he couldn’t. All Baz did manage was a simple “what?”

The expression on Penny’s face turned into something like worry which was new to Baz as well. No one’s ever really worried about him, except his mother, and Fiona to a degree perhaps, but certainly no one here at Watford.

“He knows, Baz,” she said again, putting a comforting hand on his arm.

Much to his own surprise Baz didn’t jump at her touch, but he did sink down to sit on the desk behind him. His head hung low, his hands placed carefully on his sides on the desk. Penny took a step forward to sit down next to him.

“How?” Baz finally asked. It was the only thing he needed to know.

He saw the corner of Penny’s mouth smirking up. She looked away from him for a moment but then she suddenly had a full on, ear-to-ear, smile on her face.

“Because I told him,” she confessed.

“You did what?”

Baz wasn’t quite sure he heard her correctly. All of a sudden that anger he didn’t feel before was slowly starting to rise up in his stomach. He jumped up from the desk like something had bitten him. Baz hurriedly walked a few steps away from Penny before he turned around again to face her. 

“Why did you tell him? I thought we had an agreement.”

His voice was desperate. Relief, anxiety and now anger all mixing up inside him, creating one very confusing cocktail of emotions.

Penny stood up as well then and walked over to Baz who had his hands tangled in his dark hair, overwhelmed by the entire situation and what its implications might be.

“Just talk to him, alright?” she pleaded.

Baz looked at her, eyes uncertain and doubtful.

“I promise you it’ll be ok.”

“No, it won’t be ok. This is a fucking nightmare, Bunce. Why did you have to tell him?”

Baz was starting to feel a little pathetic. He was making a big deal out of possibly nothing. Trying to steady his breathing, he told himself that it would indeed be ok because for all he knew, Snow was going to make a little fun of him and that’ll be the end of it. Simon wasn’t the revenge type and he certainly wasn’t one to hold a grudge.

Almost forgetting that Penny was even in the room, Baz’s thoughts were already occupied with what would no doubt be a massive argument later.

“I need to go to class but, please Baz, just talk to him.”

That was all she said before she left the room, the door clicking shut loudly behind her.

Baz can’t remember how much longer he stayed in the room, alone with his messed-up thoughts and crippling anxiety. At some point, he realised that he had already missed the start of his next class and he just decided to skip the rest of the day all together. It wasn’t like he would be able to concentrate on anything at all, which he soon realised when he got back to the room he shared with Simon.

He spent all afternoon trying to read, to do homework, to do anything that would distract him from the thought of having to face Simon. Baz even showered for probably half an hour, twice, but nothing he did helped him take his mind off of the conversation he had with Penny earlier and the one he would be having with Snow later.

And now it’s almost 6pm, dinner would be starting soon. Baz sighs relieved because he knows that this would give him at least another hour before Simon would come to the room.

Baz is still staring out of the window, his black hair slowly flowing around his head, his long slim arms wrapped around his equally slim but muscular legs, both of them now propped up in front of him. The white t-shirt he is wearing makes his spine clearly visible while he is hunched forward.

He jerks up in surprise when the door opens with a loud bang, not expecting anyone, especially not Simon, any time soon.

“What the fuck, Snow?” he hisses out annoyed.

Baz isn’t moving away from the window, instead he almost immediately returns to staring out into nothing as soon as he sees that it’s Simon rushing in. He hears another loud bang, assuming that Simon must’ve dropped his books on his desk but he didn’t care enough, or he simply didn’t dare to check what the noise really was.

“We need to talk,” Simon says.

Bunce and Snow have the same ‘I don’t need to explain myself any further’-attitude that is constantly doing Baz’s head in. A little bit of context would go a long way, Baz thought most of the time, and that’s exactly what he is thinking right now as well. Although for once he actually knows what Snow is referring to… and it scares Baz.

“Since when do we talk about anything?” he says as disinterested as possible.

Baz may be scared shitless on the inside but that doesn’t mean he can’t put up his usual façade to mask that fear. He’s had years of practice and he has become pretty damn good at it.

Turning around now, because he can’t help himself, Baz sees Simon take off his jacket and put it over his desk chair. He stands at the bottom of his bed, either out of habit or because he’s too scared to be any closer to Baz. Another one of those things that is so freaking difficult to tell that day.

Simon stays quiet for quite some time, crossing his arms over his chest. Baz can’t help but watch him, one eyebrow raised, his eyes small and threatening. He is waiting for Snow to talk, even though he doesn’t really want to hear what he has to say.

When Simon still doesn’t say anything a minute later, Baz is actually a little relieved. Maybe he wouldn’t be ridiculed today after all.

“Alright then. I think we’re done here,” he says more to himself than Snow and turns back around away from Simon.

“I know you have feelings for me,” Snow then suddenly bursts out.

Baz automatically closes his eyes immediately. Fuck. He takes a deep breath and turns around, _again_ , to face Simon. However, he doesn’t say anything in return. He just looks at Snow who is visibly nervous, probably just as much as he is. Simon’s arms are still crossed over his chest but his eyes are fixated on Baz.

“Bunce told you,” Baz stated matter-of-factly.

“Yes.”

Baz took his feet of the windowsill. For the second time that day he has his hands firmly placed on either side of his body, this time having a hold on the windowsill. The intense stare from Simon is uncomfortable but he doesn’t dare to break their eye contact.

“Why?” Baz asks which earns him the first physical response from Snow when he buries his hands in his pockets.

“What?” Simon asks in return.

“I talked to Bunce. I know she told you. So why?”

Simon finally breaks the eye contact. He stares at the floor and his feet but doesn’t move away from where he is standing. Once again, he doesn’t say anything and it’s driving Baz insane. If he has to be laughed at tonight, he just wants to get it over with.

“Snow, why did she tell you? Bunce and I had a deal. Why did she break it?”

At that Simon looks up at him at last but the expression on Simon’s face isn’t quite what Baz was expecting. He looks confused, like he missed something.

“You had a deal with Penny? When did you two start talking?”

Snow seems genuinely clueless which pretty much proves that Bunce really did keep their friendship a secret. On the other hand, it’s now Baz who is staring at his own feet, unsure of what to say or how to explain.

“That’s not the point, Snow. What did you say to her that made her tell you about… me?”

Baz was starting to get a little scared at how easy it was to put his mask back on even though he is finally talking to Snow about basically everything he wanted to talk to him about. This could be the start of something… or the end and that’s what worries Baz.

“I… I talked to her about something… related, and then she told me about you,” Simon eventually chokes out.

Snow sits down on his bed but Baz stays where he is, even though every damn fibre in his body just wants to walk over to Simon and… do… something.

“What do you mean by related?” Baz asks, intrigued by the word Simon chose.

“Well, just… lately I’ve been feeling… weird… or weirder around you,” Simon stops here, obviously trying to think whether or not he wants to explain himself any further.

“Things have always been weird between us. You know, the whole ‘we want to kill each other’ situation?”

Baz knows he’s rude interrupting him but he can’t help himself. This is not how he thought this conversation would go and there was an unfamiliar feeling in his guts that tells him that it will get even worse.

The look Simon gives him doesn’t leave any room for interpretation. What Baz just said obviously wasn’t quite what Simon was referring to, which just confuses Baz even more.

“That’s not really what I meant,” Simon tries to explain himself.

“Then what did you mean?”

Baz was getting impatient and Snow not knowing what he does or does not want to say, doesn’t help him at all.

“I’m not sure,” Simon begins before Baz interrupts him, again.

“Perfect,” he says and sighs deeply.

“Could you just like…”

“What Snow?”

Simon then gets up from his bed. He walks towards the window but suddenly stops just at the end of Baz’s bed, realising what he was doing or rather where he was going.

“Could you just stop being such a rude and ignorant prick for once?”

Simon’s words take Baz by surprise. He suddenly doesn’t know anymore what they are really talking about. What is the issue here? That he likes Simon? That he was an ass to him most of the time? Or is it something completely different?

Baz stays silent, his eyes fixed on Simon who is standing quite close to him now but still so far away.

“I like you, ok? I told Penny that I think I like you. That’s it. That’s all.”

The words just came bubbling out of Simon. His eyebrows shoot up on his forehead as soon as he’s done talking. His eyes grow wide, the horror clearly visible in his eyes, his mouth slightly open and Baz is pretty damn sure that his face mirrors Simon’s perfectly.

“What did you just say?” Baz eventually manages to choke out, his words seemingly broken and not coherent.

“Why did you never say anything, Baz?” Simon says, completely ignoring his question. “Penny said you’ve had feelings for me for a while now. Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you talk to me?”

His voice sounds desperate, like he is close to tears. Baz has a hard time wrapping his mind around what Simon said. _I like you_ , he said. How? Why? When? All these questions are running around in Baz’s mind and he wants, he needs answers to all of them.

“Hang on a second here,” Baz says and finally gets up from the windowsill. “You like me? Since when?”

Simon rolls his eyes at him but he does answer anyway.

“I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but it just kind of made click a week ago or so,” he admits quietly.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?” Baz asks, his voice sounding a lot more desperate than he wished.

“Why didn’t _I_ tell _you_? If you’ve had these feeling for as long as Penny said you have, then you should have said something to me. But nooo, angry and scary Baz keeps everything to himself, even when it involves other people.”

Baz can’t decide if Simon mocking him was a compliment or an insult, a mix of both probably, but the way Snow suddenly seems to get angry, makes Baz a little angry in return. He doesn’t want to argue but the words just come out and it’s too late to take them back.

“If you’re so fucking upset that I never said anything to you, then why didn’t you say something to me when you figured it out?”

All Baz really wants to do is grab Simon, stare him in the eyes and tell him how he really feels. No shouting, no arguing, no anger. But instead he chose the way that fits his personality best, at least the one that Simon got to know over the last years. He is being an ass… still.

“Because I didn’t know, Baz! I didn’t know what… what I was feeling. After everything we’ve been through, I was just confused and angry and…”

Baz’s eyebrows furrow immediately at those words. Simon didn’t make any sense and it was starting to freak Baz out a little… more than everything else already did.

“Wait, why were you angry? At who?”

Before Baz could even think another thought, Simon is stepping yet another step closer to him and he was painfully aware that his breathing stopped for a split second there.

“At myself, you idiot!” Simon then says and he starts gesturing wildly with his hands when he continues. “We’ve been at each other’s throats ever since we came to Watford. Don’t you get that? When it finally hit me why I was acting so weird around you lately, it made me angry. It made me freaking mad. I wasn’t supposed to feel what I feel, I’m _still_ not supposed to feel what I feel. It goes against everything we’ve been doing and saying to each other for almost seven years. It’s not right.”

For what feels like the hundredth time that day, Baz is wondering if he heard correctly. Does Simon really think that what they feel for each other, whatever it really is, is wrong?

“It’s not right? That’s really how you feel?”

He couldn’t hide the hurt and disappointment in his voice and he is sure that Simon picked up on it, judging by the way he now looks at him. There are so many things Baz can see in Simon’s eyes then, everything from understanding and affection to confusion and uncertainty. Baz is wondering if Snow can see any of these things in his eyes as well.

“I don’t know, Baz,” Simon admits. “This is all just so… unexpected. I just don’t know what to think.”

Baz knows exactly how Simon must feel. He has been exactly where Snow is now. When it first occurred to him that he might feel something good, something positive, something affectionate for Simon, he had trouble accepting that as well. But he did, so he takes his chance and says, “Then stop thinking.”

Judging by the expression on Simon’s face, he didn’t quite take it the way Baz meant it.

“What? Why? Cause it works so well for you?”

Simon’s voice is dripping with sarcasm but for some reason it doesn’t bother Baz at all.

“It does, yes,” he says as casually as he can but Simon is obviously not buying it to no one’s surprise really.

“No, it doesn’t,” Simon argues. “If you didn’t think twice about what you’re feeling you would not have treated me like shit in the past.”

Baz knew Simon was right but the way he said it, almost spit it out, feels vaguely like a punch to his heart.

“I…”

He doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know how to say sorry, how to apologise and explain.

“How long have you known?” Simon suddenly asks, still standing way too close to Baz.

“Known what?”

“That you, well, that you feel… _something_ for me.”

Simon is almost stuttering. He obviously still has trouble accepting that Baz likes him, or has he trouble accepting his own feelings?

“I don’t know. A couple of months maybe.”

It’s hard for Baz to admit the truth here. He is scared he might just make the entire situation even worse, if that was possible at all, by telling Snow the truth.

“A couple of months?!”

“Maybe a year.”

“A year?”

Simon’s voice is getting higher every time Baz is getting closer to the truth. And then Baz just can’t take it anymore. He needs to let it out. No more secrets.

“Two and a half years, ok? I’ve known for two and a half fucking years that I like you. Are you happy now?”

Screw the truth. Baz feels like he is about to cry. It’s all getting too much for him. He had a chance to get used to his feelings for Simon but he didn’t get a chance to prepare for this conversation. This one conversation that could destroy him.

“I… I can’t believe this… Why did you keep this to yourself?”

The feelings inside him are getting more and more complex and tangled up in each other. It seems like there can’t be any happiness without anger, no acceptance without fear, no love without hurt. And the way Simon’s voice carries itself to his ears now, breaks down that wall around his heart Baz was so determined to keep up.

“Do you think it’s easy for me to admit that I like you? I guarantee you it’s not, Snow. Sharing a room with you is a fucking nightmare. I have to look away every fucking time you walk around here without a shirt on cause it makes me blush and I don’t want you to notice. Every time I see your damn angelic hair fall into your face when you’re hunched over a book, I just… want to reach up and gently push it back behind your ears and…”

Baz suddenly seems to realise what he is saying because he stops. He just looks at Simon, standing a mere two steps away from him, but the other boy keeps quiet. Baz knows he’s close to breaking down but he doesn’t want to give away that part of himself. He can’t just show Simon who he really is without even knowing if it’s really _worth_ it.

When he speaks again, his voice sounds a little rougher than before but still vulnerable.

“Point is, I may look like I have no feelings at all but my heart is not made of stone. Bottling everything up inside is certainly not as much fun as you obviously seem to think.”

He can’t help but sit back down on the windowsill. Baz feels his limbs go numb while his heart is racing at a pace he is not used to. His eyes are staring at his feet, defeated.

“I just… I don’t understand. You should have told me… You lied to me.”

Simon is quiet. He isn’t yelling or shouting, his voice isn’t raised at all but Baz doesn’t really pick up on that. Instead Baz is trying to play the blame game, knowing full well that neither of them would win it.

“Are you pointing fingers now, Snow? Unbelievable… It doesn’t work like that, alright? You are not pinning this on me. When you figured out that you felt something for me, you could’ve just as easily come to me but you didn’t, so don’t you dare blame me for this fucked up situation we’re in now.”

Baz finds it difficult to avert his eyes from Simon now, although he seems to have talked himself into a bit of a situation that he is just now convinced he shouldn’t have gotten himself into. His next words just come out without him actually wanting them to.

“And by the way, I didn’t lie to you. I kept something from you but you did too. That’s not lying, so you can come off your high horse now.”

Baz doesn’t really notice that Simon is stepping closer to him. Only a few inches separate them now and for once they are on eyelevel with Baz half-seated on the windowsill.

“Are you done?” Simon asks carefully but determined.

“Yes,” Baz replies, breathing heavily.

“Good.”

Without any warning, Simon closes that last tiny gap between them. He steps between Baz’s legs and puts his hands on his shoulders. Baz doesn’t understand what’s happening but he doesn’t protest either. He feels Simon’s hands wander closer to his face where they rest on the side of his neck, just underneath his ears.

Baz is staring into Simon’s eyes, those crystal clear blue eyes that seem as endless as the ocean. He knows his breath is uneven but how could it not be with Simon so freaking close to him? He is hesitant to touch Simon before he realises that he really doesn’t have anything else to lose. Simon knows he likes him, he knows he has liked him for a long time and he is still here. Simon is still in the room. He didn’t run away screaming. In fact, Simon said he feels something for him too. Baz’s mind could never entertain the idea of Simon actually reciprocating his feelings but he said he does and knowing that, realising that makes Baz throw caution into the wind.

He slowly and gently places his hands around Simon’s hips, not breaking eye contact because he is afraid that if he looked away now, the moment would be gone.

“I wish you would’ve told me how you felt sooner,” Simon says, almost whispers.

Baz can’t help but steal a glance at Simon’s lips when he is speaking. He feels hypnotised by them, that desperate need to kiss them now lingering in his stomach a lot more obvious than before. He swallows hard before he speaks up to ask the only thing he can think of.

“Why?”

“Because,” Simon says, his hands still on Baz’s neck, sending a radiating heat through his entire body, “then we could have done this a long time ago.”

Before Baz has a chance to question what Simon means by that, he feels Simon’s lips on his. They’re warm, soft and… perfect. When Simon lets his tongue slide over his lips slowly, asking for more, Baz can’t help himself. He just pulls Simon as close he as possibly can and happily obliges to Simon’s silent request. The kiss is slow, not rushed at all which surprises them both. It’s so different to them fighting. When they fought in the past it was loud and messy and… choreographed. Everything about their arguments was like a choreography they had mastered over the years. But this now, this kiss is something else. It’s cautious because neither of them wants to mess this up, it’s desperate because they both want this so much, and it’s gentle because for the first time since they’ve known each other they are openly afraid of hurting each other.

Baz knows he finally has what he has wanted for so long and he doesn’t worry about what is going to happen once this kiss ends, simply because it won’t end any time soon.


End file.
